Nap

I gave myself a little hiatus due to not having been working the last few weeks, and spending a lot of time with the Spawn. Who really doesn't like it when I sit down to my laptop- she seems to think that because I'm sitting down, that means that I obviously want to be a human climbing frame. Not that she doesn't think that at other times as well, but if mama is sitting down, then mama can be and wants to be climbed on.

Obviously.

I therefore got into the habit of (gasp) not even turning my laptop on during the day. And then in the evenings my husband was home, and I wasn't about to start writing long screeds about... not very much.

Oh yes, I did get laid over the last couple of weeks. One extremely pleasurable incident of long-drawn out anal, including a lot of fingering and him licking me, one blow-job (me on him- I had my period and was feeling horny, and that was the closest I was going to get since he doesn't like real sex when I'm bleeding- despite it not bothering him back... oh, right, of course, when we were horny-twenty-year-olds), and one incident of plain regular old sex that had me trying to smother howls into his shoulder as I was doing the "come every thrust" thing again.

Which is pretty damn neat, I must say.

When I compare how I used to come back ten years ago to how I come now... well. It only gets better. If it keeps on getting better like this, by the time I'm 40, I'll really be able to use the expression "coming like a train" without feeling that I'm using hyperbole.

Life has been good. And good to me.

I haven't heard from 48 since I blew him off last time (as I'd planned to, but it turned out that even if I had intended to see him, it wouldn't have been possible), and that's fine by me. I... have no need for him.

Things are being a bit weird at the moment.

It's summer now, and normally summer is a time when I spend a lot of time musing on the attractions of the opposite sex, contemplating possibilities, flirting... and generally behaving like a harlot.

It doesn't seem like I'll be doing a lot of that this summer. It's funny- after my libido came back (the Spawn was finally weaned about 3 weeks ago), I had thought that I'd be getting very horny again. And I did have a couple of patches of that. But right now... nah. And it's not like my libido has gone away again- I'm just not interested. Sure, I'm quite happy to flirt with anybody who flirts with me, but I'm really not in the mood to initiate anything. With whoever.

I seem to be closing down my sex life again. This has happened to me before, so it isn't bothering me, but... I can't help wondering what is causing it. Last time it happened, it was because I had fallen out of "being in love with" my husband, and I was angry with him for a whole range of reasons. Those two clauses could probably be inverted, come to think of it.

I didn't fall in love with him again until I was pregnant- which led me then to suspect, a suspicion which has changed almost into a belief since, that it was all hormonal. Am I in love with him now? I don't really know. I love him, and I love him deeply. He makes me very happy. I am just happy to have him around, to know that he's there. I like him, and (this is the killer, isn't it?), I truly respect him. He's turned out to be a very good father to our little Spawn. We share so much, beliefs, opinions, tastes...

And yet, it all comes down to the simple basic fact that I've repeated so many times. I just don't want to fuck him. I would like to want to, but... My body just doesn't respond to him anymore, hasn't for about 4 years now, and when he starts making moves on me, I either freeze up or grit my teeth and prepare to try to ignore the fact that I'm going through the motions. And all that, despite the fact that I know that, in about ten-fifteen minutes, I can be yowling under him with my hands clenched on his ass trying to get him into me even further and deeper. Despite the fact that I know that he gives me better sex than anybody else.

So what's the problem? The lack of desire, I guess. The orgasms end up being pretty much mechanical (not that I'm complaining about that- at least I get them), the sex is very much, at least for me, a question of "How can I speed things up so that it's over as fast as possible?"

The equivalent of my body's response to my husband is, of course, the failure to get hard. I don't get wet- other than the purely mechanical lubing up that my body does once he's inside me to ensure that I don't get hurt.

I go through phases when all of this bothers the hell out of me... and other times I just shrug, and get on with it. That's just the way it is, and that's the way it is, presumably, going to be. It sucks. I have a helmet, life goes on, sex isn't the be-all and end-all. For all the other joys of our life together, I can fake desire for half an hour a week (which is all we seem to fit in anyway, praise all the gods, I think I'd get bloody impatient with having to pretend if it was every night).

I do, sometimes, think about it, look back, and remember. I remember how it feels with somebody you really want. The tension, the hum you feel buzzing through you. How you're wet before you even see them, just because you're on your way and you know what's going to happen. I remember the excitement. I remember looking forward to sex. I remember when foreplay was fun, but not even that necessary. I remember enjoying it more than on the physical level...

I remember really being into the idea of sex.

I remember wanting to have sex.

But right now... I'd rather read a book. Or play with the Spawn. And, oddly, I'm quite happy about this. Not being tempted means that I can focus on my relationship with my husband, and concentrate on making him happy.

It's like- fuck it. I have other things in my life, I don't need to spread to the world in order to be happy.

Now, whether this lasts more than a few weeks, or even a few months, that is an issue for another day, and another exercise in trying to find out if by enough navel-gazing, I can actually see my tonsils.

On the other, less flippant hand, last time I was in this mode, it kept me faithful (as in "not sleeping with anybody he didn't know about") for 9 years.

Anybody care to take bets?